all things new

i have been renewed and encouraged, as well as challenged. the body has functioned as the body.

amen.

weak

today and last night are probably the lowest i've felt in a very long time. please don't offer me your pity, just listen to what i have to say. i'm writing this because i know i'm not the only one.

there are these creeping emotions and insecurities that circle me and poke at me tauntingly as if i am a defenseless child. they circle and scream and laugh viciously as i stand with my head hung. they get in my head and dance around, and when i try to shake them, the resistance just makes me weary, and by then, they have won. i know i am not the only one they taunt.

there is the life-sucking, ever-present sense of "you're not good enough for...". you're not pretty enough. you're not fun enough. you're not serious enough. you're don't love the Lord enough. you're not talented enough. you're not smart enough. you're just not enough.

satan attacks where i am weak and when i am weak. and i am weak. i'm mentally vulnerable, spiritually vulnerable, and especially emotionally vulnerable. Jesus Christ, may we find our hope and our worth in you, always. may we not settle for the lie that we are not enough, because we are created in your image, the most Worthy, and we have been redeemed by you, the most High. may our sadness humble us and push us to crawl to You. in our sadness may we still joyously praise.

writing this renders me vulnerable, but so be it, because that is what i am. we all need to be more vulnerable.

lift me up and take me out of here

i have been trying for about two weeks to put together a paragraph (!) about exactly why i am going to chicago. it's been tough; it's hard for me to articulate exactly why i'm going. i've been doing a lot (a lot a lot) of talking about it, especially in the last three months or so. when i first began speaking about it, i felt ridiculous trying to explain something that i couldn't even grasp in my mind. well, now i have a clearer idea of why we're going, and yet, still the words escape me.

perhaps first i should explain what this journey is for; what we hope to do, experience, and see. two friends (holly and casey) and i are traveling to chicago beginning in june. we are going on this trip to learn about and experience christian community development. christian community development combines components of community (shaped by the gospel of Jesus Christ), simplicity, and social justice. we will be staying and serving with already-established christian communities (see shane claiborne's irresistable revolution for more details), churches, and families. we say we're moving to chicago, but actually, we hope to be able to travel to other communities across the nation. we hope to glean much knowledge and heart from such developments such as lawndale and reba place in chicago, christ the servant king in oregon, and the simple way in pennsylvania, just to name a few. we are all interested in experiencing how each community interacts with the members of its community, its neighbors, and the living God.

the end-goal (besides the richness of such experience) is to bring back our knowledge and experience to georgia. holly and casey will most likely return to newnan, and implement their experiences and knowledge with village hope, an organization based in newnan that works to "generate hope by empowering individuals and creating interdependent communities." i most likely will not return to newnan. i love atlanta, i love being in atlanta. i know my desires may change and direction can be redirected, but as far as right now, i'd like to return to atlanta, be closely and intimately involved with the community at Trinity, and live as a community with whom i am able.

so sure, that sounds great. then why am i so scared? this trip is going to require a degree of simplicity and raw trust that is honestly extemely tough for me. i am scared of what i am leaving here, scared of what i'll see, scared of being broken. i will see things that will beg me to surrender and repent, and i am terrified. i will see things that will expose my vanity and selfishness. i will see things that will require me to change, and if not, i am running from grace and restoration. i will be face to face with God- in his glory, in his magnificence. i will both long to curl up in his hand and at the same time, desire to run as far and as fast as i can- back to 'normalcy' and ignorance. i am scared of how the stripping away of security and comfort will reveal how flawed i am. i desire that, but at the same time, i am utterly terrified of it. i pray that the trip breaks me, shapes me, and restores me.

let's be fair here- there are lots of reasons i want to stay. most of the reasons are in the faces of the people that i care about deeply. some of the other reasons aren't quite so clear or palpable. i know that i desire stability, and i know this trip will provide very little of literal stability. i desire to be in a place where i know people intimately and they know me intimately. i desire to serve whole-heartedly in a local church. i desire to know my neighbors. i desire to be in a flourishing and beautiful relationship with someone (yes, i said it). all that will come and will have it's place, Lord willing.

yet, despite all i say about my fear and hesitance, i know that i need to go. despite all uncertainty and all of my doubts, i will go.

i will go.

i am pretty sure that i have communicated very little of what i really set out to communicate here. that's ok. these words, for now, must be sufficient for me. i'd love to dialogue about this more with anyone. and yes, thank you for your patience in reading this. your prayers and spoken wisdom are beautiful and would be greatly appreciated.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sun, shine a light
Someone take me, teach me how to fly
And onto something for which I would die
But I just don't know what
And know I can taste the fear
Lift me up and take me out of here
You make it all concise and clear
You know I'm gonna fade